The Day the Music Died

SBE Note: We recognize that, since the allegation of discrimination involves a private teaching working out of her own home, amending the HRO probably would not help in this situation. This story is posted to give a voice to those who feel they have been discriminated against and to demonstrate the prejudice that exists in our community. This time the alleged victim was a young child who's only wrong seems to have been to have two lesbian parents.

Last summer, we found out that a neighbor was an experienced and respected piano teacher and expressed interest in her giving our daughter lessons. She was quite encouraging. I really don't remember whether she would have known that our daughter has two moms, since she rarely socializes with anyone on the block.

Anyway, when our daughter finally started lessons, I went with her, since the instructor works with young children along with a parent. The first few lessons went very well. The third time, I thought that I noticed the teacher changing a song's words from "mommy and dad" to "mommy and teacher." I didn't ask her about it but assumed (with pleasant surprise, given her age and the relatively conventional neighborhood) that she was trying to accommodate our daughter's family situation. At home that week, I encouraged our daughter to practice singing "Mommy and Mom." When we sang it that way at the next lesson, the teacher seemed confused, but we stumbled through the song and moved on. I also paid her at that time, with a check that listed both my partner's name and my name jointly. Our daughter was loving her lessons, and I was very pleased with the situation.

A few days later, a letter came in the mail, even though the teacher lives across the street. It contained our check and a short note saying that she "regretted" that she would not be able to teach our daughter any longer and that we should keep the piano lesson book as a gift from her to our daughter. We were shocked, hurt, and angry. I immediately went over to her house, but she was not there.

Our daughter was practicing diligently and expected to have a lesson the next day. For the first time in her (then) 5 years, we lied to her. We told her that she realized that she had too many students and couldn't fit her lessons in to her schedule any more. Our daughter clearly suspected that this wasn't the whole story, and she has raised it several times since then. She was really disappointed and confused.

Finally, about 10 days later, I went back across the street. She seemed surprised to see me and let me in, and we talked for about 10 minutes just inside her front door. I don't remember the exact course of the conversation, but she kept insisting that she couldn't work with someone who kept changing the words to the songs, who wouldn't follow the instructions/music, etc. When I figured out that she was referring to the "mommy and mom" words, I told her that I had thought that *she* was changing them and that, if she had asked, I would have been perfectly willing to sing the words as written. I explained that we have no problem with "dads" (the original working was "mommy and dad"), to which she responded, "I'm sure your daughter must have a father out there somewhere." I explained that our daughter does not have a father; she has a donor, which she understands perfectly.

I made the point very firmly that in the nearly two years since we had moved to the area, hers was the first instance of overt discrimination that we had faced. No one at our palces of employment, at our synagogue, in the neighborhood, or anywhere else, had found it appropriate to insult us or to exhibit the "intolerance" that she had. She didn't say much in response, other than to reiterate that she can't work with people who won't follow her directions and that she works with "families." I found this comment especially maddening. Although I didn't tell her all of this, My partner and I have been together for 13 years, the first two of which we spent struggling against L's stage four non-Hodgkins Lymphoma which she was extremely lucky to survive. We then moved to CA, where we became registered domestic partners and started our family. We have had extensive family and community support and knew dozens of *families* like ours in CA. We raise our daughter with intentionality, values, love, support, community-mindedness, education, and open-mindedness that most children in the world would be blessed to encounter in their own lives. Her suggestion that we do not constitute a family was not surprising, given the homophobic ideology of "family values" circulating in today's conservative political/religious culture, but it was incredibly offensive.

I clarified quite clearly that we are, indeed, a family, and that clearly, she is willing only to work with certain kinds of families, not all families, and that I would be sure to communicate that to anyone I encounter from the music community. We really weren't getting anywhere, so I said that clearly, it was just as well that we learned about her discriminatory attitudes, since we no more wanted to work with her at this point than she wanted to work with us. She tried to play the nice neighbor at that point, saying that she was glad that we had had a chance to talk. I did not reciprocate, but merely turned around and walked out and across the street to my home.

Though I was irritated and angry, I was very careful to keep my voice low and calm during the conversation. I avoided using insulting language of any kind. Since she hardly ever leaves the house, I haven't run into her since then and hope not to.

(young child of a lesbian couple)

Anti-gay graffiti on local business

I work at a South Bend establishment well-known as being a welcoming space for LGBT patrons, especially young people. Unfortunately, last fall we had an incident where anti-gay graffiti was scrawled on the back entrance to our establishment. An individual's car that was parked nearby was broken into and items were stolen. This was very upsetting for the employees, some of whom are LGBT and were confronted with the idea that they could be harassed or have their property damaged or stolen based on the perception of their sexuality.

The first employee to arrive the morning this was discovered called the police and a report was made. No futher action was taken concerning the incident.

(male, heterosexual)

Homo? No, Humo

When it comes to homophobic intimidation and scare tactics....I have experienced much through out my life as a single adult...in schools I have attended....in the army...and as a part of a Community Mental Health Facility.

This incident took place at an area located near a local hospital. There is a picnic table where I would go to get away from the my apartment when I got cabin fever from sitting inside for too long. There is a sign by the picnic table that reads Smoke Free Park...and then in Spanish it reads Parque Libre de Humo.... Someone had taken a black marker to the "u" in Humo and turned the word into Homo.

(VHRC Note: After reporting the sign, it was replaced, however, a new sign can't undo the fear caused by the incident.)

There was a person in my aprtment building who took a particular dislike to me, who made me nervous all the time. I would go to the picnic table behind the hospital just to get my mind off of that person and get some of my studying done. I made a habit out of studying at that picnic table until the sign was changed from Humo to Homo...after that I avoided the picnic table. Even though the person who hated me so much finally got sent to a different apartment complex, his friends remain here at these apartments and they have very little to say to me...they never tell me why....

I stay to myself these days...that is one of the reasons I am hoping that some day soon I will be able to talk to people from the LGBT community because I am kind of isolated here and I have been for a very long time. It is not safe to talk about gay issues at work or at the library where I work and my family is pretty much homophobic and hard to trust after all the times they have ridiculed me for suggesting that I may be bisexual.....

(male, bisexual)