Consequences of the closet

Note: While we acknowledge that this is not a story of discrimination, it clearly demonstrates the consequences people face when they feel they have to remain closeted to be safe in their own community.

There's a saying in the gay community that "We come out of the closet when our pain of remaining in it becomes greater than our fear of leaving it."

This man's pain is something many of us have experienced and can relate to.

I'm not 'out' at work because of my fear of my colleagues' reactions. I was married for years and that's how they know me. I fear rejection, the looks of unspoken ridicule (that would not violate anti-harassment policies) and at the same time would probably find a sense of freedom I currently don't have.

Because I'm divorced, I hide behind the false veneer of heterosexuality. I avoid places that are openly gay where I could feel comfortable with others like me but might be seen by colleagues. I avoid browsing the 'Gay and Lesbian' section at the bookstores where I could learn more, but also be seen and 'outed'.

I was in my early 40s before I even met someone who was openly gay. Prior to that, I carried my secret under the mistaken belief, if I don't tell, it won't matter. But the truth demands to be told. I never had any support for being honest--with myself or with others.

I do not let people close to me, maintaining a very private personal life, which condemns me to loneliness. I've just recently started attending gatherings for gays, in an attempt to develop some sort of social connection, but dread being seen by someone I know from work. Clinical depression is my constant companion; though under treatment, it casts a gray pall over my life.

I don't date; and if I met someone I would feel ill at ease going through the community like anyone else.

(male, gay, closeted)